The Not Quite Adventures of a Professional Archaeologist and Aspiring Curmudgeon

Friday, July 16, 2010

Me and the Booze

As those of you who know me are aware, I don't drink. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't view alcohol consumption as being evil or degenerate, I don't even think that being drunk every now and again is necessarily a bad thing. I simply don't drink because I, personally, don't like drinking. I find the flavor of alcohol repulsive*, and the times I have had enough to drink for it to have an effect on me, I have simply felt very sick (and no, this isn't a hangover I'm talking about, I felt sick shortly after a few drinks and before I felt anything else). So, I don't drink for purely personal reasons, and I don't have an issue with people who drink (well, alcoholics, sure, but I find any form of addiction distressing). I don't mind being around people who are drinking - hell, some of my best times have been spent hanging around with friend who were thoroughly sloshed.

So, if I don't have a problem with people who are drinking, why do they have a problem with me not drinking? Okay, do me a favor. If you know someone who doesn't drink, and who you have either tried to convince to drink or have tried to run a guilt trip on because they don't drink (or do any other drug), then imagine that this entire post is coming out of their mouth. 'kay? 'kay.

It is a rare thing that someone hears that I don't drink and then doesn't try to convince me to have a beer, a glass of wine, or some such thing.


Look, if you are uncomfortable with my not drinking, then that is YOUR PROBLEM and not mine. Get off of my fuckin' back! Telling me that I need to "loosen up" isn't going to get you anywhere - I don't have a problem with you drinking, YOU are the one who has a problem with me not drinking, so if anyone needs to "loosen up", it's you!

And no means no, don't keep trying to talk me into drinking. To offer me a drink once is polite, and well appreciated. To keep pushing after I have already said "no" just makes you a sorry bastard. You won't get me to drink that way, and all you're going to do is annoy me with your repetitive and obnoxious demands. I'm not judging your drinking (though I am observing the fact that you are a pushy asshole who won't leave me alone and is too insecure to simply accept that I do my own thing), so don't judge my not drinking.

While I'm on the subject, don't attribute any particular beliefs or notions to me because I don't drink. People routinely assume that I don't drink because I am religious (anyone who routinely reads this blog knows how far off the mark those folks are), others assume that I have some more ambiguous "moral" stance against alcohol (no, I don't, and as stated, I don't care if you drink, or even if you get drunk, I'm just not interested in joining in, though I may still hang around if you don't mind, it could be fun), and others assume that I am afraid.

I am just not interested! Okay? Get it? Just like you might not be interested in Chess or hiking or video games or some other such thing, I am not interested in drinking. It has nothing to do with religion, morals, fear, hate, love, sex, sorrow, society, family, or anything else! It is a simple lack of interest, nothing more, nothing less. Alright?

Oh, and I have not "fought temptation" either. I have never felt tempted because I have never been interested. It's pretty simple.

Also, don't try to push some faux nobility. I routinely meet people who tell me things like "oh, you don't drink? Well, I think that it's far more honorable/ intelligent/ fashionable/etc. to know how much you can handle and not go beyond that. I think that you are dishonest/ weak/ untrustworthy/ etc."

Really? You think that I am dishonest/ weak/ untrustworthy/ etc.? That's funny, because I know that you are a pretentious dick. Look, if you like drinking, then just say that you like drinking, that's fine. But don't go around projecting your own insecurities on to me. You may think you sound sophisticated or wise, but you really just sound like the pompous ass that you are.

By the way, the same goes for other types of drugs. While I am leery of things such as heroine or crack, I don't see a problem with someone who smokes pot from time-to-time or drops LSD occasionally. Hey, it's your life, as long as you are aware of the risks and benefits of what you are doing, and you're not hurting anyone else, I say more power to you. But I am not interested in joining in. It's not that I am judging you, it's not that I have a problem with you, it is simply that (altogether now) I am just not interested! If you have a problem with me not doing something when I don't have a problem with you doing it, then the problem is entirely yours, don't try to push it off on me!

Okay, I feel better now. Now, if y'all will simply remember that there are simply some people who don't want a drink for their own reasons, so don't get pushy when someone turns one down, then I will feel vindicated.

* for those of you who try to convince someone to drink something in which "you can't even taste the alcohol" - if someone doesn't drink, odds are, they can still taste it, we haven't gotten used to the flavor, so it stands out quite clearly no matter how muted it is to you.


RBH said...

My line when I'm pushed on it is "Thanks, but I need all the neurons I have left."

Shadow said...

I so relate to this post. I am allergic to alcohol. Unfortunately, no one ever believes me. I don't get at a party one evening, I said I was a recovering alcoholic. Everyone was so sympathetic and concerned and no one offered me a drink all evening.
By the way, are you a man-like slug or a slug-like man ?

East Bay Eva said...

Were you drunk when you wrote this?

Anthroslug said...

RBH: I've tried similar things, it usually just encourages them to keep pushing.

Jeanine: Unfortunately, I'm in a line of work where alcoholism is extremely common (and the source of many professional problems) so I can't even joke about that or use it as an experiment.

Eva: I can quit any time I want. I don't have a problem.

Michael said...

I've run into the same problem at times, but the ones who used to get really obnoxious were vegetarians. Working on group projects in college was when it would get really bad. When it was time to order food it was always pizza, and had to be vegetarian. Vegetarian pizza doesn't do it for me, so I'd want to put sausage on part: "No! The juice will run over to our part!"

OK, I'll get my own pizza: "No, the smell will make me sick!"

Since I didn't have a car at the time I was just screwed.