The Not Quite Adventures of a Professional Archaeologist and Aspiring Curmudgeon

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Railriders - a Menace to the Public Good

There is a segment of the population that is ever growing, recruiting from our youth to fill their ranks to swelling. They have long had a media presence that portrays them as lovable, free-wheeling, and even admirable, hiding the unsavory truth of their filthy lifestyle. Although there is one true name by which they should be known, they have adopted many different euphemisms to make themselves sound more appealing. They often portray themselves as victims, living life as they see fit only to be "oppressed" by those of us with a strong enough sense of morality to call them for what they are and try to stop them.

I am speaking, of course and obviously, about hobos.

They may go by many other, more "P.C." terms - gentleman of the road, boxcar men, and many others - hobos are known to all of us, but most people deny their true nature in favor of the popular depictions.

In order to expose the vile hobo to the light of day, let's look at the song that might be considered the hobo "national anthem" - Big Rock Candy Mountains

One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning
Down the track came a hobo hiking and he said boys I'm not turning
I'm headin for a land that's far away beside the crystal fountains
So come with me we'll go and see the Big Rock Candy Mountains

We see here that the hobo is addressing a group of boys, that is youths or children, hoping to lure them into the hobo lifestyle. He, of course, doesn't tell them of the true hobo lifestyle, no. Instead, he tells them that the lifestyle is literally about sweet things like candy.

One has to wonder if hobos eat so many beans in the hopes of replacing their nonexistent moral fiber with dietary fiber.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there's a land that's fair and bright
Where the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every night
Where the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees
Where the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

The handouts grow on bushes. You see here that the hobo clearly desires a socialist system in which he receives handouts rather than working.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains all the cops have wooden legs
And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs
The farmer's trees are full of fruit and the barns are full of hay
Oh, I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow
Where the rain don't fall and the wind don't blow
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

First the hobo calls down disparagement on the police, those fine and upstanding enforcers of law. And this song first gained prominence during prohibition, when the police not only enforced man's law, but also God's law.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocks
The brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind
There's a lake of stew and of whiskey too
You can paddle all around 'em in a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

And here we see that the hobo hates such time-honored traditions as sobriety, there is further disparagement of authority figures who might force the hobo to be a moral individual, and the hobo shows his distaste for sanitary conditions, wishing to not change socks and paddle a canoe around the food supply.

Again, what is so disturbing is that the hobo is telling this tale to children so that he might lure them into his degenerate lifestyle.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains the jails are made of tin
And you can walk right out again as soon as you are in
There ain't no short handled shovels, no axes saws or picks
I'm a goin to stay where you sleep all day
Where they hung the jerk that invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

I'll see you all this coming fall in the Big Rock Candy Mountains

And the hobo shows his complete disregard for morality, desiring to be allowed immediately out of jail without ever being forced to pay for his filthy lifestyle, his desire to allow his hands to be idle (and hence the playground of the devil), and to violently overthrow those who support the social order of which he wants no part.


And, of course, he anticipates that the children to whom he is speaking will follow his example and join him "this coming fall" - these words are neither accidental nor a simple allusion to a season of the year, the hobo knows that his path is one of moral decay, and he hopes to lead the children along it.

Of course, this disturbing recruitment is not limited to songs or chance meetings on the railroad tracks. It has also infiltrated our mass media, and the media elites are using every tool at their disposal to forward the hobo agenda. Whether it's Disney, that den of iniquity, and their animated "classic" Boxcar Willy to Buddy Ebsen's dark and disturbing turn on The Andy Griffith Show, the image of the hobo as a happy and carefree character has caused far too many of our youth to choose life as hobos.

The simple fact is this: hobos are immoral beings, disgusting in the eyes of man and abominations in the eyes of God. If everyone followed the hobo's path our society would be in shambles, therefore nobody should be allowed to follow it. The advancing hobo agenda must be stopped. I suggest three simple steps:

1. We must petition, pester, and if necessary, use force to make the immoral media elites stop portraying the hobo as a happy or positive character. We must change the false image of the hobo from this:


to a more accurate portrayal, such as this photo taken of a hobo at a train yard:


2. We, citizens concerned about decency, must surround train yards at every opportunity to prevent hobos from leaving their trains and attempting to recruit our children. We must be clear through our actions, however, that we do not hate the hobos, we just hate hoboism, and this means that we desire to beat the hobos as a show of our concern for them and for our children.

3. We must support legislation aimed at preventing the spread of hoboism such as Proposition 83b(c).321(k), which outlaws train yards within the state of California.

Only in this way can we hope to stem the rising tide of hoboism and save our families and communities.

I sincerely hope nobody has to read this line to realize that this is a joke and satire. I mean no ill-will towards hobos anywhere, and if any hobos are reading this I will say only STOP FOOLING AROUND ON THE INTERNET AND GET BACK ON THE FUCKING TRAIN!

*image from

**image from the Doctor Who episode The Deadly Assassin

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